and that’s exactly where i’m stuck.

waiting…

      waiting..

  waiting.

….

I know she was surprised when I pulled my sleeve back, but still, she stuck me with the needle, let the blood drain out and covered it with gauze. She wrinkled the space between her eyes - botox could do wonders for her - as she asked me for my birth date.

So I went home, heard the news - no cancer, but I have a form of diabetes, PCOS and my thyroid is off, so I took the gauze off my arm and pushed the blade into my skin as hard as I could. They don’t understand, no one does.  All the meds, the doctors, the waiting and anticipation, just to receive more bad news. I can’t handle anymore… but I know more is exactly what is coming my way.

I lost my best friend and I just feel… helpless. I have no motivation anymore. It’s just me now, me with the scars and the blood dripping down, reminding me that I’m still alive, still struggling. I want to end it all, just get it over with. Something keeps me holding on, but I have no idea what. Pointless, pathetic hope that maybe things will work out? Things will get better, people will realize where they belong and who they belong with? It’s useless to even think about that, it’s over. It’s been over. Why can’t this be?

control-me:

But then, I look in the mirror, or see that number on the scale, or stand next to someone who is ACTUALLY thin..

And I remember.

I’m not.

Hunger is like cutting myself on the inside…

It’s about self control.
It’s about determination.
It’s all about perfection.

there’s no remedy for memory
your face is like a melody,
it won’t leave my head.
your soul is haunting me and telling me
that everything is fine
but i wish i was dead.

Too long, really, since I’ve been on here… Funny reading posts from over a year ago and realizing how stupid and ignorant I was.
Love?
He didn’t know the meaning of the word.
Run?
I couldn’t even if I wanted to.
Happiness?
What’s that again?

A lot has changed. New school, new friends, new car, new hair and clothes and so much more. I’m still me though, just….. a new version.
Not sure if I like this one or not.
Time will tell,
or so they say.

these rays of sunshine
are shining down on me
so bright and warm
they give me energy
happiness
contentment
and an excuse.
a much needed excuse.
an excuse to run
run far, far away
until i can’t run
anymore.

i never quite know
where i’m headed
but that’s the beauty of it,
the thrill of it.
sometimes i wish
i would turn a corner
and end up in a new place,
a place i’ve never been
a place i can escape to.
escape from the harsh reality
of this hectic life i’m living

but for now,
i’m just me.
just little, invisible me
stuck right where i am,
getting by in life
wishing for things that
will never come true.
but that’s just how it goes,
life is life.
end of story. 
so it goes..